What Is My Problem ?

I will admit... most of my posts are extremely sarcastic and brutally honest about dating and other male/female interactions. Hey, I like to make lite of certain situations. It's definitely my coping mechanism.

One thing THE GIRLS and I have started to become cognizant of is making better decisions in relationships and our other friendships with men. Being 30+ calls for more mature decisions. Literally, last night I had to call one of THE GIRLS to talk me off of the ledge of making a horrible decision that I once made effortlessly and willingly TIME and TIME again.

"Girl.... I need you to talk to me until I make it home to ensure that I don't call that nigga...."

Thank Sweet Baby Jesus that (i) she was awake and (ii) she successfully talked me all the way home until I was safe and in my bed....ALONE !!! I need to make better decisions in my relationships...and DAMNIT.. I am prepared to see this thing out.

So what's this all about ?

I recently started seeing a certain gentleman caller. He is extremely tall, handsome, employed, college educated (even has a Master's Degree), attentive and nice. When we set dates he spends unlimited time with me and has not given any excuses about not being able to meet me and/or not wanting to go out. (He literally just text me while I was typing this to let me know he made it home safely.) Hell, today we took a long walk, a-round the park, af-ter...well...nah, it was at 7pm. The sun was still out. He is a nice catch and I am committed to giving the nice guy a chance.

So, what's the problem ?

I have no idea. However, I have tried and tried to find something to make me not want to date him....and they are BULLSHIT reasons. Such as....

"Girl ... (i) he had deodorant on his shirt (ii) he dances...who in the lame hell dances ?? (iii) he wears this link bracelet and that is so lame (iv) he acts so excited to see me...I am like, calm down clown.."

These are serious BS reasons I tried to justify not seeing him again.

The obvious warranted reasons for cutting a brother off should definitely border on somethings such as (i) he used to be a dope dealer (ii) he can't speak The King's English and keeps asking me to pronounce words for him (iii) he has 5 kids, by 5 different women and (iv) his girlfriend/ex girlfriend bust into the restaurant we were having lunch and boldly announced to him, me and the other 50 patrons "NAH NIGGA...WE STILL TOGETHER !!! I JUST WATCHED YO DAMN KIDS THE OTHER WEEK !!" Yes, these were actual circumstances of ONE guy that one of THE GIRLS was seeing. Sweet Baby Jesus...

So how will this new found focus on giving the nice guy a chance turn out ? I have no freaking idea....Stay tuned.....

Well...Where Is The B^&%h ?

She's on call...

She's on internship in CHINA...

Oh.. yeah..her.. um.... well....

THE GIRLFRIEND...or EX-GIRLFRIEND depending on who you ask is who is being referenced...

Hold on as I take a small chronic break...

Ok, I'm better...

I wonder why the issue of the ex-girlfriend and unresolved feelings didn't become prevalent in my relationships and THE GIRLS relationships with men until we hit 30. I honestly don't ever recall any of them talk about the men they are dealing with still having open issues and/or ongoing relationships with ex-girlfriends until we matured.

One of THE GIRLS was dating a man heavy for many months until he up and told her that he was still in love with his ex-wife. Another one of THE GIRLS has been kicking it with a dude for a couple of months and he conveniently announces to her that his girlfriend/ex--girlfriend is living in China and they are or sort of are still together. Another one of THE GIRLS learned that her boo was still dealing with an ex when he conveniently missed her birthday party because the ex girlfriend decided to come in town that very same weekend. Then there is me...

Hold on, let me take another hit of the blunt...

Ok, I'm back...

This dude I had been dealing with for well over a year decides to tell me that he still has feelings for an ex... a whole 8 months into our kicking it. My response ?

And I quote..."Well nigga, where the f*&^ is she ? Go be with her .... "

Now let me be clear... I, in no way shape or form, want to stand in the way of love. If a man has balls enough, and enough truth serum in him, to inform me that I am only entitled to a Piece of His Love...then I will take the hit and kindly get out of the way. I want him to be happy, even if it is not with me.

Whatsonevah. Dude, if your feelings are that strong for old girl, please stop calling me. More importantly, if your feelings are that strong for old girl, where is the b*&^% ?

Somewhere riding shotgun with Casper the Friendly Ghost...

I'm Only In Town For One Night...

Las Vegas...

You know the mantra. "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."...

I have been to Vegas two times. The first time I was in law school and went with 3 of my great girl friends. The second time I went with some of my sorority sisters and had a ridiculous amount of fun. I had a cute little Vegas fling. The guy I kicked it with was someone I once had a crush on, he didn't know it though. We flirted that weekend, acted like a couple, kissed and cuddled. NO BOOTY WAS HAD... I REPEAT....NO BOOTY WAS HAD. I let him rub my elbows though. That was MAD weird. He had a thing for rubbing elbows...ahaha

Anywho...

Some of THE GIRLS and I have planned a trip to Las Vegas to celebrate three of their birthdays. These are some of my girls from a different jurisdiction, so I anticipate a ridiculous level of ignorance, laughter and kicking it. I will definitely be taking it back to my roots by hanging with them. Today I was on the phone with one of them when she abruptly announced, "Yeeeeeaaaa...Imma have me that Fi' One Night Stand in Vegas."

*COUGH*

I reply, "Um, WHO are you having a One Night Stand with ? Who do you know down there ?"

She replies, "Hell with WHOEVER...Imma pick me one...get it in and that's that BABAAAYY.... " I inform her that if she is going to do all that for free she might as well get paid for it. To wit she responds, "Babaaay... I aint shame... I'll go to that Bunny Ranch and shake a lil something too for some money."

Now, I know she was playing...(I think).

I have heard plenty stories from my male friends about their one night episodes. They go to a club, scout out a woman based upon what she was drinking and then WHAM..they get it in for the night and it's over. I have been told that women drinking "Incredible Hulks" (i.e. - Hennessy and Hypnotiq) get it in faster than any other woman.

But be clear.... smart, beautiful, independent and "innocent" women get it in also. I have heard stories of women "mistakenly" having sexual intercourse with one of their brother's friends just for one night as well as tales of women being seduced into one time escapades via vocal serenades from a man. Hell, some women have even expressed that they had sexual escapades with an unsuspecting man after a bad break up. It definitely happens with the woman being the aggressor. Their mindset is, "Let me get this real quick...take the edge off and I won't EVER have to see him again...hopefully."

I honestly think there are deeper underline issues that cause women to seek one night stands, especially the women I know. Though most of the previous stories took place when they were in their 20's, it's prone to happen and has been pursued by 30 year old women as well who have dreams and intentions of marrying and having children in the NEAR future. One night stands are neither physically nor emotionally safe. The women always have some residual mess to deal with afterwards, whether its feeling bad or verbal backlash once they figure out the person with whom they had this secret rendezvous with runs in the same circle of friends.

So what's the point ?

There really isn't one. I just wanted to shed some light on the subject. It happens and EVERY woman I know who participated in them has had some sort of regret. EXCEPT the ones that were called back, flown to the man's home town, taken on trips and then asked for a monogamous relationship... suckers !!!

TCAP Is What They Call Him....

THE GIRLS share so many stories that are often coupled with screams, "uh uhs", "SHUT UP" or the proverbial, "BITCH you lyin !". Nine times out of ten these stories are in reference to dating and/or some trifling broad who is interrupting your dating. Nevertheless, when one of THE GIRLS preps a story with "Girrrrlllll...lemme tell you !", you are undoubtedly about to embark on a journey of laughter, shame and disbelief.

You ready for this one ?

So, I was in Washington, D.C. for the National Black MBA Conference last September. As a former MBA student, this conference was once the epitome of partying, scoping out handsome men and more partying. I think I may have gone to the conference once with the purpose of actually networking to find a job, the others were strictly for partying. I now have little to no tolerance for the conference, outside of ....well, the partying. In my opinion, its a conglomerate of stick up the ass, overpaid, insecure former classmates who have their self worth determined by their jobs. I remember my initial reaction upon walking into the host hotel: "This is a sea of black and navy blue NOTHINGNESS !!! I just got depressed...where is the bar ?"

One of the major parties that weekend is thrown by a wine and spirits company. It's open bar, plenty of food, great DJs and surprise performances. If you wanted to be at any party that weekend, this was the one to attend. We all believed that either Common or Kanye West were going to perform. The joke was on us, as it was some Go-Go Band I had never heard of. Once again, where is the bar ?

Back to the story...

So me and one of THE GIRLS attended the party and literally posted up at the bar all night. Great seats, easy access to the spirits, rest for our aching feet...why leave this spot ? As we sat there, one of THE GIRLS had a friend of a friend come up to speak with her. They had a mutual friend and were from the same hometown. They chatted it up, flirted, laughed.....it was all looking on the up and up with this new found friend.

Ya'll know the story. One cocktail turns to two, turns to three, turns to four, turns to "how the hell are we getting home ?" So my girl's friend offered to drive my car back to our hotel since he was allegedly not drunk and his hotel was right across the street from ours. Now, this part is a blur of sorts. I think valet was closed at our hotel, so he offered to park my car in a public lot and my girl would walk my keys back to our room. COOL ! I was tired and slightly intoxicated, up to the room I go.

So I wake up the next day to this statement as soon as my eyes opened. "Girrrrrrlllll...you'll never guess what happened."

Brace yourself.

So, old boy pulls my car into the public lot and by this time after driving around for a while, my girl had closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. Now, mind you....they have mutual friends and are from the same hometown, so she felt comfortable around the guy. She goes on to say, "giiirrrrrllll, we pulled into a park situated between two big old trucks. He nudges me to wake up and when I turn to look at him and get my bearings together, I look down and this nigga has his pants down to his ankles, dick sticking straight up like 'what's up?'"

BITCH YOU LYING !!! THIS NIGGA HAD HIS BARE ASS ON MY SEAT ???

She said, "giiiirrrllll if I was sleep, I wasn't no more. I immediately got myself together and told him that it wasn't that type of party. I think he felt embarassed a little because he apologized, got his pants together and then we got out the car. I came to my hotel room and he went to his."

THE AUDACITY.....

So, being the lady that I am...of course I had two questions:

1) Was it atleast a nice size dick ?
2) Where are my keys ?

*DEAD CRICKETS*

She immediately says, "damn...that nigga still got your keys....and NO, it wasn't even nice sized !" I immediately offered to call the cops in jest... Don't be pulling your dick out if it's all little and shit and you have no jurisdiction to even think I get down like that. I would have been offended on BOTH fronts. Witnessing a little dick is BAD for the morale of ALL involved and to keep it real, he could have assaulted her. There is nothing funny about that. Though I seriously doubt that would have happened... SHE DON'T PLAY THAT !!

So my girl had to call a different friend to get TCAP's information to call him and tell him to bring my keys to the front desk of the hotel.

Needless to say, we ran into him again during the conference and his face said it all. He was embarassed. Hell, I would be too ! He acted in a disrespectful manner and came up SHAWT ! Literally and figuratively... Freakin Predator....

Ok, um....helllooo ??

Living in NY, I have heard ALL types of differences that allegedly exist between women from the North and women from the South. Most, if not all, of THE GIRLS are from the Southern States of the US, so we share similar values on manners, dating etiquette, lifestyle choices, etc. One of the biggest differences most men speak of is the audacity level of women from the North. According to most men in the Tri-State area, women from the North are very audacious when it comes to approaching men. I have also heard that these women are downright predatorial when it comes to seeing and approaching a man that they may deem interesting.

I BEG TO DIFFER !!!

We Southern women are just as bold when it comes to approaching a man we deem handsome, however, we tend to do it in a less threatening manner....hmmm, on second thought.... Here are some real life examples:

a) At a bar in Brooklyn, a highly fashionable sister spots a tall, dark and handsome brother from across the room. She immediately inquires about him from a mutual friend, takes a swig of her a drink and approaches said stranger ....BY SITTING ON HIS LAP and starting a conversation !! They have been dating exclusively for 1.5 years.

b) A sasssy and life of the party sister spots a tall guy on the other side of an outdoor festival. She says to her girlfriends...hmmmm...I see something I like ! She makes her way over to said gentleman and says something that makes him smile...she doesn't remember because she was intoxicated, but not for nothing, they are going on a date this week.

c) A flirty sister has a crush on an unsuspecting co-worker. He is older, refined and interesting. She decides to put all of her cards on the table about said crush and sends him an email inviting him to lunch and detailing her lack of patience and prescription to pain medicines. She just had her wisdom teeth pulled. Well...said crush ambigously declines the lunch with some lame excuse, but hey....she put it out there.

I can honestly say that I am no longer opposed to approaching men. Given the state of affairs of dating in NY and beyond, and the realization that some dudes are just plain terrified when it comes to approaching a woman, a little assistance does not hurt. A smile here, a wink of an eye there, an accidental brush up against an arm, a compliment as well, are all highly appropriate ways of getting a man's attention.

I say put it out there and if he doesn't respond to said advance....well...then honey....he's GAY !!!!