Can You Come Fix My "IPOD Machine" ??

What can I say ? Miami was a wonderful look. It was very ...um...grown !

We did not have to fight athletes and boppers for couch space at clubs. We were only at Wet Willie's for all of 45 minutes... at the most. We went to bed each night at a reasonable hour and we got plenty of sun.

Oh, and THE GIRLS went topless on the beach and I could not participate. Listen...the only time "my girls" have been out is when it was absolutely necessary for them to be out...understand ? That was one bonding experience I could NOT participate in. We laugh and make jokes about "men comparing penis sizes", but have you ever seen 30+ year old women comparing aereola sizes ?

Hilariously, disgusting...

WHATSONEVAH... that was not the most insane happening of the weekend.

The last night of the trip CHATTY GIRL FINALLY flew in, we had dinner, I was absolutely exhausted, yet we still decided to go out. We had bottle service in one of the cabanas at The Delano and had a very nice time. We danced in the pool, we danced in the cabana, we danced on the sofa thingee, we danced with white people. The air was crisp, we were lively and we could not have ended the night on a better note.

We ended up going back to the hotel, changed into our head rags and pajamas, preparing ourselves for bed and for some damn reason SUNSHINE GIRL wanted to listen to "soft sounds" from her IPOD to lull her to sleep. I am already half knocked out, DADDY'S GIRL was already sleep ....heck, it was time for bed. SUNSHINE decides to pick up the phone to call down to the front desk to ask that someone come up to our room (AGAIN) to fix the IPOD Docking station. We were NOT prepared for what would happen next.

I do not know if it was the alcohol, the sun draining us of all of our energy and sensibilities and/or the raging hormones of 30+ year old women, but a very cute, young, impressionable Cuban man named Michael walked into our room at 3:30 am, after we had been drinking and not around any REALLY cute guys this weekend and we ALL instantaneously wake up. It was like a scene out of Thriller. The dead had arisen...

Not sure how it happened, but the extra bottle of Bacardi Rum we were toting around in my purse came out and here we were....educated, successful black women taking shots of rum with a young, cute, impressionable Cuban Man. I have never in my life witnessed SUNSHINE passing shots out like this...NEVER !!! In one sitting I believe I took about 5 shots...of rum...that were NOT chilled.

Needless to say DADDY'S GIRL was being a puss about things and when she threatened to call security on us (yes, the people IN her room), the young lad got scared and decided to leave. We cackle up some more then go to sleep.

I don't know how it all happened, but SUNSHINE got BACK on the phone and requested that the front desk send the boy back up because the "IPOD Machine" was still not working. Ahahhaaha... apparently we did not want the night to end.

So young lad rings the bell, I open it...and I revert to my old ways once I am around a young, cute man and I have been drinking. I threw his ass into the bathroom and closed the door.

But this time was different. I didn't command him to strip while talking mad, seductive shit in his ear. I did not kiss him. I did not ask him to do a little dance for me. (sidenote: when I lived in Houston, heck even in NY I had a thing about making out with guys...in the bathroom !)

Well, what did you do PARTY GIRL ?

I left his young dumb ass in the bathroom by himself and walked back to the bed and announced, "now who wants him ? who is going in there to get him ? I told his lil ass to stay in the bathroom until someone came to get him or came in to join him."

HONNNAAAYYYY!!!! ooooohhhh we laughed so hard...

I don't think we have ever cackled this hard in life. Four grown women, a bottles worth of shots, a young Cuban lad ready for the taking in the bathroom and all we wanted to do was go to sleep.

Word to Elian Gonzalez, I am still not sure how his little ass got out.... ahaha

Back When Diddy Was Dating J.Lo....

I am winding down from the day's duties. The red wine is on deck and VH1 Soul is playing music I LUH-HUVS !!!

.... and here comes "I Need A Girl Pt I" featuring Diddy and Usher.

Usher is in Chris Brown mode. Young face, pre crazy ass Tameka and having kids. Suprisingly, Diddy looks ....the same. When did this damn video come out anyway ? I am guessing it was 2000-2001 ? Anywho, it got me to thinking about my 20s..and LAWD KNOWS I enjoyed my 20s.

Those were the days when I could:

1) Jump on a flight Thursday night from Atlanta to Miami on AirTran X-Fares. Totally not going to work on Friday just to hang on the beach and scout professional athletes with Daddy's Girl. I would dash from the office at 5:00 pm, make the 7:00pm flight and be changing in her car heading to the club at 10:00pm. DAMN I MISS THOSE DAYS !!! The only thing about this memory that still remains is I still miss work on Friday...bwwahahaha

2) I would actually cook everyday. How in the hell did I go to law school, study, then come home and make a ham, a roast, meatloaf, yams, collards, etc. Oh yeah..that's right..I didn't study.

3) Back then I could eat as much as I wanted and drink as much beer as I could stand and still not gain any weight. I look at a donut now and its alla bloat around the belly. Now, I ain't giving up my Hennessy for a NOBODY...so we are going to have to figure this weight thing out.

4) Also, back then...when Diddy was Puff Daddy a/k/a P. Diddy... it was TOTALLY acceptable to date jerks. One guy I was dating actually told me that his cousin cut all of his fingers off in a freak accident and that's why he didn't show up for our date. The bad part is I continued to date him. Ooohhhhh, what a time we had, but that behavior is NOT acceptable now. I gets real fussy when NGF follows me around the kitchen. I wish he would try some of that shit I used to accept. Nah players...

and finally....

5) I traveled....and I was only making about $300 a week working part time at the law school in the media department. I managed to travel to Puerto Rico, Miami, California, you name it...with NO monies !! Now that I am working full time, I have to make a concerted effort both with time constraints and money strains to get out of town and enjoy myself.

WHATSONEVAH....Word to Frankie B. Jeans, The Blueprint Album, Wet Willie's Call A Cab, Ghetto Get Out Weekend, Maxes on Saturday Night in Houston and riding down Biscayne Blvd in Daddy's Girl's Acura with the Sunroof open soaking the sun... me and THE GIRLS are heading back to Miami, 10 years later from when Diddy was dating J. Lo and I couldn't be more excited.

My belly may be covered these days, but shit... a bitch is still excited.

Pass the Frosty Beverage please...

The Couch Chronicles

I absolutely loves...loves...loves my home. The minute I stepped foot in it, I knew this was my abode. I love the space, I love my backyard, I love the light that shines into it and I love the fact that it is an escape from New York. I don't have to worry about parking, though I have not escaped the crackheads. Nevertheless, it works for me.

The first night I stayed in my home by myself, I managed to set the alarm off about three times. One time I set it off while on the phone with my mother and it pretty much scared the shit out of her. She is not too fond of the fact that I live about 30minutes from all of THE GIRLS. Equally, she is not too fond of the fact that I get home pretty late. Anywho, the first night, alarms set off and I promise every nook and cranny in the house shifted. I heard noises I never heard before and it had me straight Mobb Deep Shook.

I ended up getting a roommate, and keeping a roommate for the next 1.5 years after I moved in. Since I have lived here, I have had Cali, Best All Around and Carebear Girl as roommates. With another person here, I was never scared to sleep in my home. I would climb in my bed and rest assured that someone else was here just in case something went down. Now, my house IS in the hood....but ALL of my homes, apartments, condos, dorms have been in the hood. Word to Paddyfoote. I just think that because my home is kinda big, I am a little frightened by being here at night by myself.

Hence the couch chronicles.

My last roommate, Best All Around Girl, moved out about 2 months ago. When I live alone, and no one else is here for the night (i.e. - NGF)I sleep on the couch. I did not notice the trend until about a year or so ago, but it is definitely a trendy habit. I REFUSE to sleep in my bed when no one else is in the home. So, when BOA Girl moved out, I moved downstairs to my couch. My nightly ritual includes coming home, getting into some sweats, getting my blanket and WHAM !! After a little DVR and phone time with NGF, I am knocked out...on the couch !! I refuse to go up to my bed.

There is great rhyme and reason to this. I assume that being in a central location on the first floor will ensure that I can hear anything that happens in the house. If something pops off in the basement I can hear it, and if something pops off upstairs I can hear that as well. At one point in time I was attempting to sleep in my room. I would lock myself in and set the alarm, but that soon wore off.

I had no issues with the couch. I got good relaxing couch time in, and I felt a wee bit safer.

UNTIL....

I was getting ready for work one day and got a pain that shot through the right side of my back something soooooo tough it was a mess. I literally could not function for a cool 30-45 minutes. I couldn't breathe properly, I couldn't bend over and I sho nuff could not place one of the two large bags on my shoulder that I carry to work.

This pain persisted for another three days and I had to call in reinforcement to see if anything was going terribly wrong. Flirty Girl and Chatty Girl, the resident physicians of THE GIRLS to the rescue.

I sent them both an email explaining my symptoms, asking if I should should just ice it down and rest, or if something terribly wrong could be looming. I already attempted to self diagnose via the internet, but if I could avoid the $30 Co-Pay and get the advice of two women I trusted then that would be great as well. $30 is $30...alot of money to me.

Chatty Girl emails me back asking, "are you naseuous ? do you have a hard time urinating ? does it hurt when you urinate ? do you have a headache ? If you have any of these symptoms, you could be passing a kidney stone and/or have a kidney infection..you should definitely go get it checked out."

I mean..this email diagnosis was so serious, I began to question myself. "Well damn..am I nauseous ? I don't remember it hurting when I pee, have I been ignoring that due to the pain ? Aw Lawd...am I passing kidney stones ? Who in the hell does that ? I am too fabulous to be passing stones !!!"

I was literally in a panic of sorts wondering what this ailment could be...

UNTIL... this message from Flirty Girl...

"Heffa, is your ass still sleeping on the couch ? That's your damn problem. Get up and go get in the bed. Ain't nothing wrong with you. Ice it down, take some ibuprofen and get off the damn couch."

Well damn....

What Ever Happened To...

What ever happened to the homeboys who purchased drinks for you as the homegirl, just on the strength of you being the homegirl ?

Today was a GORGEOUS day in New York, and I could not for the life of me think of a homeboy to just sit outside with me and pay for the cocktails. Is it because of the recession that cost several of them their jobs ? Is it because those that lost their jobs now have jobs and don't frolick like they once did ? OR.... is it because everybody is FREAKIN BOO'D UP and spending money on anyone other than the lady is NOT acceptable ?

Or is it because I have NGF now and no man wants to spend money on me because they figure NGF got it ?? Even the ex boos turned friends know about NGF, so outside of friendly conversation ....they ain't trying to offer up nothing else.

Listen... NGF ain't you, and you ain't NGF... you are the homeboy. What if I said I ain't cooking for you because you got a girlfriend now? What if I said I ain't going to listen to your sob stories about your job, your girlfriend, your pick up game at The Rucker, your Fantasy Football team because you got a girlfriend now ??

Here is the point. THE GIRLS have THE GIRLS to go out for drinks with and pay for our own cocktails. Pay for my shit and keep this thang rolling !!