Love....

The most ambiguous word that I have ever encountered and integrated into my daily life.

Over this past week, I think I have both exhibited and encountered love on an entirely new level that will hopefully propel me to another level in my life and relationships that exist within it.

I lost my grandmother on February 21, 2009. She was the sassiest, classiest, most glamourous and loving woman that I have ever encountered in my life. She displayed and exuded style to me before I had friends to turn me onto fashion parameters as an adult. She was a woman, a wife, mother, grandmother, great - grandmother and friend to so many for 82 years.

She was blessed with family, friends and most of all one of the most loving husbands in the world. It breaks my heart to see my grandfather at this time. He cared for her for over 8 years as her health began to deteriorate in 2000. The good thing is that her spirit never left, just certain physical capacities.

They met and married when she was 20 years old. They honeymooned at Coney Island in New York, made a home in Virginia, put each other through college, raised three children....and their children's children.. but most of all, they loved each other through numerous storms, trials and tribulations. I love my grandmother for always being a caregiver, and stylish at the same time !!! She never spoke a bad word against my grandfather...never ! They loved each other... PERIOD ! She gave him affirmations and praise for the roles he played within the family. He cooked for her, cleaned the house, took her to physician appointments, brought nice gifts home for her. Most of all he loved her unconditionally.

They loved each other.

Heartbreak to me is not some boyfriend breaking up with me. It used to be defined by that...an attempt at love that went left. Heartbreak now has a totally different definition. Heartbreak is seeing an 87 year old devoted husband, father, grandfather and great-grandfather mourn the death of his beloved. Heartbreak is seeing a single rose on the pillow she once rested her head. Heartbreak is hearing the man who has always been the pillar of strength cry at the thought of his companion of 62 years never calling his name again. Heartbreak to me, now, is knowing that two people who gave love a genuine shot... a valiant effort... undeterred by death, drugs, recessions, false accusations... bowed out according to their vows.

He loved her. She was gorgeous, caring and giving. He protected her. She loved him. He provided for his family. She dedicated her life to him and their children. He did the same.... they kept their promise....

Take A Bow

It is amazing how deeply disturbed THE GIRLS are behind the Chris Brown - Rihanna events that took place during Grammy Weekend. I am most disturbed by the fact that these two, seemingly innocent, role models are now serving as examples and faces of something that is so taboo and serious .... Domestic Abuse.

None of us will really know the depth and details surrounding this horrible event that will definitely change the lives of these two kids, but speaking from experience.... I know exactly how they are both feeling right now.... embarrassed, appalled, scared and anxious. When I was 20 years old, I never fathomed knowing anyone who was or would become a victim of abuse. I was certain that none of my female friends would be susceptible to it because they were all smart, beautiful and intelligent girls. I was most certain that I would never be in the cross fire of a man's wrath. This kind of thing doesn't happen to smart, beautiful, intelligent girls... in my mind it just didn't. What would I do ? How would I react ? Would I call the police ? Would I try to off him ? Would I fight back ? These were some of the hypothetical questions I would ask myself just in case I were ever in the position of needing to think quick.

Knock a nigga out....ask questions later !!

Over the years I have heard stories from friends who have had tumultuous, physical and verbal abusive relationships with their boyfriends, fiances and even husbands. I was shocked when one of my friends told me that her estranged husband physically assaulted her. She actually stated that she felt as if he raped her. I saw the marks on her neck for crying out loud !! I have heard stories of some of my friends attempting to physically harm their men upon hearing bad news and/or catching him with another girl. One girlfriend told me how her man would pull her by the hair when she would ignore him. It didn't bother her one bit, because that is as far as it went according to her. These physical altercations were initiated by both the men and women depending on the circumstances.

I have my theories about what happened between Chris and Rihanna and as details come out slowly, it is evident that the root of the problem stems from hurt feelings, misdirected anger and predisposition to such behavior..... a recipe for disaster. I actually feel sorry for both of them, because I know how they feel. I felt the exact same way in 1999, when I was a 21 year old senior in college.

A college boyfriend with an abusive step father, an unannounced visit from me to boyfriend's house, another chick thrown out the backdoor as I was ushered in the front door, an intercepted phone call from scorned chick, yelling, pushing and shoving, forced imprisonment, a slap to him and then a subsequent punch to me. I blamed him, I blamed myself. I was hurt, embarrassed, anxious and prideful. The only sign of rage he showed before that was around our two year mark. He punched a hole into his bedroom wall because I didn't want to cuddle with him. Cuddling ??? We talking about cuddling ??? When he did that, I quickly grabbed my things and was out of there. He later called to apologize for scaring me and we never spoke of it again.

I called the police and pressed charges against him. I later dropped those charges because I didn't want him to blame me for messing up his life. Crazy right ? In the back of my head, I knew he would do something like this again. Low and behold, a few months later, he was in trouble for assaulting a female at a party. I never talked to him again and to this day I think he is still embarrassed by what happened that night. We have mutual friends, so I hear things. Two young people, yelling and screaming, predisposition to abusive behavior and misdirected anger ..... a recipe for disaster in 1999 ..... and 2009.

It is NOT acceptable.

He's Not Crazy... He's Just Gay !!!

One of THE GIRLS, is so happy, so full of joy, so optimistic. She can walk in a room and instantly, its like the sun shows up even when it is cloudy outside. A southern belle to heart, she walks around the house in pajamas and pearls. I love her to death !!!

THE GIRLS were out to lunch after church, discussing our weekly events, activities, goals, etc. While talking, I glanced to the right and saw a crowd of nice looking, nicely dressed, handsome black men coming into the restaurant. I believe I even let a "Damn" slip out of my mouth. However, as they walked closer towards us in an effort to get to their table, my antennas went up and I quickly deciphered. "Oh, no... they are gay. Man... nice looking, but I can clearly tell, they are so 'How You Doin ???"

My Happy - Go - Lucky Girlfriend turns around to get a peek and it was as if she saw a ghost. Her demeanor quickly changed and the expression on her face was priceless. She kept muttering. "Oh My God... Oh My God.. OH MY GOD !!!". One of the men in the group approached our table and spoke to my friend in shock. "Hey girl, what are you doing here ? Nice to see you." As it turns out, one of the men that I swiftly pegged as being gay is her dear friend, her "safety net" boyfriend that she dates and goes out with whenever she is in his hometown. He is her homie-lover-friend. They go out together, they laugh, he treats her like a queen (no pun intended) and they have HAUTE make out sessions. Her parents love him and they both agreed that if either of them weren't married by a certain age, then they would get hitched.

She later told me that my unbiased, fresh eye of his demeanor and company that he kept kinda confirmed what she and others have already suspected. He is gay.

Now, I LOVE me some gay men and they love me. My roommate is a GBM (gay black man), he is my Stanford and I am his Carrie Bradshaw. He helps me pick out clothes when I am getting dressed for a night out, he tells me about great sales at his job, we have cocktails and swoon over Jamie Foxx and Plies. So I have nothing against GBMs, but I do have something against GBMs who try to date me and my friends as if they are not GBMs.

Fast forward to a couple of months later. Me and Little Miss Sunshine are out on the town, discussing men while in the car and she turns to me to ask for permission to do something she already knows not to do. "Girl, so ... I know you saw all of the shenanigans at lunch that day, old boy and his crew. You pretty much confirmed what we all suspected about him. HOWEVER, I mean... he likes me... and I like him, our parents have pretty much married us off, I mean... if it comes down to it, he may be the one for me !!!"

As I continue to look at her crazy, I don't think anything came out of my mouth.

Are we at the point in our lives, so despondent over failed relationships, that we are willing to subject ourselves to a lie ???? Her boy is as gay as The Dickens and she knew this, but wanted my permission to pull a Terry Mc Millan, a Dina Mc Greevey, a Gayle Haggard.

Before I could muster up the strength to respond, she blurts out, "HE'S NOT CRAZY...HE'S JUST GAY !!!"

For real ??

Word to Star Jones..... it is JUST not acceptable. KEEP HOPE ALIVE !!!

Mama's Got Style !

I would like to think of myself as "stylish", but I am FAR from a fashionista. Labels mean nothing to me. I buy what I like and 9 times out of 10 it is never from Prada, Louis Vuitton, Christian Louboutin, Yves Saint Laurent or any other luxury boutique. I do not subscribe to Lucky , Vogue, In Style, Elle or any other fashion related periodical.

Hell, I don't even like to shop. CLUTCH THE PEARLS.

I believe I shop for clothing about 3 to 4 times a year out of necessity and not desire. Whatever I do purchase, it is always on sale or from a Thrift Store and/or Outlet Mall. I had a goal of purchasing a "real" designer handbag as a present for myself for my 30th birthday. Living in New York you can get a knock off on any corner, but its just not the same. As an alternative to spending $1,500+ on a bag, I decided a trip to Italy would be more alluring.

Getting dressed for work (when I worked in an office) and especially getting dressed to attend a court proceeding is absolutely horrendous. My business attire and cold weather clothing game still needs a little work, but I have absolutely NO desire to fawn over clothes in either magazines or retail outlets. If I am out, and I see a nice "piece", I will more than likely look at it, examine it and then put it back. It takes about 3 trips to the same store, looking at the same piece before I decide to purchase it. One of my ex-boyfriends bought me two shirts for Valentine's Day one year and he DID THE DAMN THING. I was convinced his sister helped him pick them out, but they both insisted he did it on his own. The fact that he knew me, knew my style, was really endearing.

I think I am just frugal when it comes to buying clothes. I will spend tons of money on entertainment, even shoes....but believe it ridiculous to spend tons of money on clothes. As Erykah Badu once said, "My dress ain't cost nothing but seven dollars, but I made it fly." I'm Cleva dang it !!

Though I consider myself to be "below average" on my fashionista decorum. Mama's got loads of style !!!!

In college, my sorority sisters would be like scavengers in the limited malls in our college town just to purchase the new "Rave", "Wet Seal" or "Express" top and smooth booties for a party. I on the other hand would go into my attic, find a scarf, tie some type of raffia string around it and VOILA... I had a top. I think I get this from my father. He was so Andre 3000 about 30+ years ago, before being Andre 3000 was cool.

I embrace my funky/chic/conservative style. I even think I secretly cherish it. Amongst my friends, I don't think any of them have the same style as I do, and I love that. We each have a different vibe. We don't wear the same type of shoe, don't rock the same type of hair style and we definitely don't accessorize the same. I absolutely HATE IT when one of THE GIRLS asks me, "What are you wearing tonight ?" when we are going out. I don't think that what I decide to wear should dictate what they wear. I think getting dressed is an expression of your personality, demeanor and attitude that night. Thank God they now know not to even ask me that anymore, though in my growth, I now sometimes share it voluntarily.

Fashion is so stuck up to me, so classist, so limiting.... but style... now style is such beautiful, personal, subjective splendor that we each should embrace and reflect independent of anything not resting within our hearts.

F*&^ a trend !!!

Enough With the MFs

Men don't have platonic friends okay? we just have women we haven't fucked yet. As soon as I figure this out, I'm in there! I mean we got some platonic friends, we all do. I mean I got some platonic friends, but they are all by accident. Every platonic friend I got was some woman I was trying to fuck , I made a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the friend zone. Oh no, I'm in the friend zone! Women keep platonic friends forever. Why? Cos you never know! That's right.They came to the conference every six month , what happen to Pam? She thinks you cute! But they keep them platonic friends forever why? cos you never know. You know what a platonic friend is to a woman? It's like a dick in a glass case. In case of emergency , break open glass! - Chris Rock

One thing I realized at the age of 30, even before that, is that I have enough friends. Seriously, I do not use that term lightly. I have tons of associates, people I am cool with and love to hang out with, but I only consider myself to have about 10 true friends. A friend to me is someone I do not mind sharing my life stories with, my fears, failures, fuck ups, goals, etc. I know they will not judge me, compete against me, talk about me negatively and/or attempt to sabotage the plans that God has for my life. I can't say the same thing about associates. I don't trust them as far as I can throw them, but that is neither here nor there.

I grew up as a tomboy, jumping out of trees, riding my bike through the neighborhood with a bunch of my guy cousins, smoking cigarettes behind cars and having dirt fights. Being raised with two male cousins, especially during the summertime, I picked up the necessary tools to become affectionately known as "the cool ass chick". I am the chick who will sit and watch football with my guy friends all day, go to actual sporting events and not say a word while they watch intently, listen to their women horror stories, give them advice on how women think and drink beer and brown juice with them. I have many MFs (i.e. - male friends) and I love them all.

I was once the lone chick on a trip with about 3 guys last year and was later told that I met their approval because I was "low maintenance and nice to look at". I can play that role well and I actually enjoy it.... to a certain extent.

My male friends have been added unto me since grade school. Some of them I knew had crushes on me and I properly put them in the friend zone, some I thought were cute and later learned they had girlfriends but I still wanted them around, so I befriended the girlfriend and kept it kosher. The key component to this male friend accumulation is that I was not a grown ass woman when these friendships were formed.....oh, and all of these male friends have never actively attempted to sleep with me. Now, did they think about it and/or fantasize about it ? I am MOST certain a few have, but for the most part... I was "the homie".

Fast forward to age 31. I have enough male friends....SERIOUSLY. I don't need anymore. I have married male friends, single male friends, boo'd up male friends and they all know me pretty well. They have all heard at least 10 crazy stories about my dating life and have all given me sound advice on not so favorable relationships. I will admit, one ACTIVELY attempted to sleep with me, and that happened after I went against sound mind and decided to date him. I knew him for seven years, dated him for 10 months and realized what I knew before hand.... we should have NEVER dated. Well, there was another one who actually admitted that if I offered myself to him, he would sleep with me and would just suffer the consequences of losing me as a friend. "Damn, I am going to miss her" would have been his sentiments he proffered.

So what's your point girlfriend ???

Here is my point, and let me be clear: "Men, please stop pursuing women under the guise that you just want to be her friend." That premise is the biggest crock of bullshit I have ever heard in my life. No man approaches a woman thinking, "Wow, she is gorgeous, nice ass too... MAN, I have GOT to make her my friend."

....NE-VAH !!!!

Even more important, it is mentioned nowhere in the Manual of Relationships (the one we subjectively make up in our heads) that once the "dating dance" has run its course, we are automatically friends. You did not approach me as a friend. You approached me offering (as Jay-Z so eloquently puts it) "Hard Dick and Bubblegum"..... disguised behind opening doors, sending flowers and taking me out to dinner. In my opinion, as soon as you hit me with the Barry White voice and try with all of your might to seduce me, that is your intangible application submitted to vie for a position as my significant other and do all of the courting necessary to win.

I find it so amusing that one of The Girls has to constantly remind her Ex-Husband that they are not friends. He calls, he texts, he asks about her well-being and he has even sent flowers on their anniversary (after their separation and divorce). I laugh every time she tells me this, it is so amusing to me because she politely texts him back, "You know we aren't friends, right ?"

So to my male friends who have laughed with me, listened to me cry and wail about failed relationships, fixed something in my home, shared your life stories with me... I thank you, and I love you.

To those men approaching me on the "friendship tip", keep it.... I am only accepting flowers and courtship at this time.

The friendship zone has exceeded its capacity....there is a hiring freeze in that department !

Welcome To The Slumber Party....

We are in a serious time. This economic downturn is a lot uglier than I expected it to be. I can't lie, I am completely illiterate when it comes to "The Market" and all of the acronyms, lingo, terms, etc. I did NOT pay attention in Dr. Frieder's class. I was too busy passing notes to my college roommate and secretly crushing over one of the smart guys in the class to even pay attention. Real talk, smart men are sexy..... something I picked up in college, even though I dated guys who refused to do their school work, but I digress.

A guy I dated last year was OBSESSED with The Market. If he had to work late, it was because of The Market. If he was late getting to our date, it was because of The Market. If he was tossing and turning at night, you guessed it... it was because of The Market. He would go to sleep watching MSNBC, CNN and some other station I didn't even know existed. He would wake up watching those same stations, while popping aspirin at the same time. Me on the other hand, I was TOTALLY oblivious to what was going on. Naive to The Market, The Economic Downturn, The Recession (not Jeezy's) was my stance.

However, this shit here is real. Last week I had three friends, in three different cities lose their jobs. Since this mess started, I believe I have a total of 10 people that I know personally who are not currently employed. I am considered self-employed, however, I ended my working relationship with my main client in December. This termination was part because of The Market and Economic Climate, but most of all.... I was sick of him and his shit. If we weren't in a recession, I would have had a party to signify the momentous occasion.

My terminated working relationship constituted approximately 60-70% of my income, so I consider myself to be included in the growing number of unemployed Americans. I no longer know when a check is coming in, however, clients are still coming. I no longer have the security that most of us lost during this time. Am I frightened, worried or anxious ? Not at all....


I have been through this before. I have been laid off, no money, no job, no prospects, no nothing in sight. I have sat on my couch, crying and questioning God about what is REALLY going on. The messed up part about it all to me is, I had just joined my church the year before, just started tithing and now all this mess was happening. I thought once I gave my life to God, became obedient and showed signs of Faith that I was good. I thought I was immune to all of the challenges, perils, strife and hurt that existed in the world. Oh, and to add insult to injury, my boyfriend broke up with me during this time as well. (Now THAT ...is a whole nother blog)

However, it was during this time of not knowing, during this time of having nothing to do, during this time of fearing and non-belief, I was forced... albeit pushed... to my next level. I was actually promoted.

With $10 to my name, I decided. "Well this is the worst it can possibly get... let me clean this up."

I decided to take the New York Bar Exam, something I always wanted to do, even after the dean of my law school told me to my face the likelihood of my passing it was next to impossible. I drove from Houston to Miami, stayed with a friend for two months, studied on the beach, partied, studied some more and eventually passed the New York Bar Exam. It was during this time of unemployment that I decided to start my own business since all of the time used looking for one seemed to be futile. Why spend eight hours sending out resumes when I could use that time advertising and promoting myself in the industry ? It was during this time that I moved to New York with two of my line sisters. I had no job, one PAYING client, no furniture (sold it all)... nothing but the support of my mother and grandfather, tenacity and most of all ...FAITH.

I decided to believe what my pastor told me about God not forsaking me. I decided to believe what I read in the word. I decided to believe that all of my needs would be taken care of, but most of all, I believed in myself.

My story is not over by any means. I am believing and trusting God for several things right now
and patience is definitely being exercised, but during this time of uncertainty, the burden is not affecting me. I know I am going to be okay. I know my mortgage will be paid. I know I will have joy, peace and strength. I know all of this because I choose to believe it. During my dark period of 2003 - 2005, I was forced to explore new things, attain goals I pushed to the back burner, I was forced to acknowledge and exercise this thing called Faith.

I know many of you have had full time jobs since you left college, your 401 (k), IRA, MMA, savings, etc. look a little dim and this period of uncertainty is trying. Trust me when I tell you, you will get it all back ten fold. God is doing a wonderful thing right now. Changing how we use debt in the future, changing who and what we believe in and most of all shaking down all of these crooks who have been abusing the trust of millions of people.

So, give yourself a day ... or two. Shake it off and get busy about dreaming and writing the vision for all things that will be added unto you from this day forward. This down time should be used to reflect, pray, think and motivate yourself to being the best person you could. Real talk, you didn't like that job anyway.

I am excited, and you should be too. Welcome to the Slumber Party of unemployment ! Put your robes on, sit on your bed with your laptop and get busy. Your future awaits you :)