Enough With the MFs

Men don't have platonic friends okay? we just have women we haven't fucked yet. As soon as I figure this out, I'm in there! I mean we got some platonic friends, we all do. I mean I got some platonic friends, but they are all by accident. Every platonic friend I got was some woman I was trying to fuck , I made a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the friend zone. Oh no, I'm in the friend zone! Women keep platonic friends forever. Why? Cos you never know! That's right.They came to the conference every six month , what happen to Pam? She thinks you cute! But they keep them platonic friends forever why? cos you never know. You know what a platonic friend is to a woman? It's like a dick in a glass case. In case of emergency , break open glass! - Chris Rock

One thing I realized at the age of 30, even before that, is that I have enough friends. Seriously, I do not use that term lightly. I have tons of associates, people I am cool with and love to hang out with, but I only consider myself to have about 10 true friends. A friend to me is someone I do not mind sharing my life stories with, my fears, failures, fuck ups, goals, etc. I know they will not judge me, compete against me, talk about me negatively and/or attempt to sabotage the plans that God has for my life. I can't say the same thing about associates. I don't trust them as far as I can throw them, but that is neither here nor there.

I grew up as a tomboy, jumping out of trees, riding my bike through the neighborhood with a bunch of my guy cousins, smoking cigarettes behind cars and having dirt fights. Being raised with two male cousins, especially during the summertime, I picked up the necessary tools to become affectionately known as "the cool ass chick". I am the chick who will sit and watch football with my guy friends all day, go to actual sporting events and not say a word while they watch intently, listen to their women horror stories, give them advice on how women think and drink beer and brown juice with them. I have many MFs (i.e. - male friends) and I love them all.

I was once the lone chick on a trip with about 3 guys last year and was later told that I met their approval because I was "low maintenance and nice to look at". I can play that role well and I actually enjoy it.... to a certain extent.

My male friends have been added unto me since grade school. Some of them I knew had crushes on me and I properly put them in the friend zone, some I thought were cute and later learned they had girlfriends but I still wanted them around, so I befriended the girlfriend and kept it kosher. The key component to this male friend accumulation is that I was not a grown ass woman when these friendships were formed.....oh, and all of these male friends have never actively attempted to sleep with me. Now, did they think about it and/or fantasize about it ? I am MOST certain a few have, but for the most part... I was "the homie".

Fast forward to age 31. I have enough male friends....SERIOUSLY. I don't need anymore. I have married male friends, single male friends, boo'd up male friends and they all know me pretty well. They have all heard at least 10 crazy stories about my dating life and have all given me sound advice on not so favorable relationships. I will admit, one ACTIVELY attempted to sleep with me, and that happened after I went against sound mind and decided to date him. I knew him for seven years, dated him for 10 months and realized what I knew before hand.... we should have NEVER dated. Well, there was another one who actually admitted that if I offered myself to him, he would sleep with me and would just suffer the consequences of losing me as a friend. "Damn, I am going to miss her" would have been his sentiments he proffered.

So what's your point girlfriend ???

Here is my point, and let me be clear: "Men, please stop pursuing women under the guise that you just want to be her friend." That premise is the biggest crock of bullshit I have ever heard in my life. No man approaches a woman thinking, "Wow, she is gorgeous, nice ass too... MAN, I have GOT to make her my friend."

....NE-VAH !!!!

Even more important, it is mentioned nowhere in the Manual of Relationships (the one we subjectively make up in our heads) that once the "dating dance" has run its course, we are automatically friends. You did not approach me as a friend. You approached me offering (as Jay-Z so eloquently puts it) "Hard Dick and Bubblegum"..... disguised behind opening doors, sending flowers and taking me out to dinner. In my opinion, as soon as you hit me with the Barry White voice and try with all of your might to seduce me, that is your intangible application submitted to vie for a position as my significant other and do all of the courting necessary to win.

I find it so amusing that one of The Girls has to constantly remind her Ex-Husband that they are not friends. He calls, he texts, he asks about her well-being and he has even sent flowers on their anniversary (after their separation and divorce). I laugh every time she tells me this, it is so amusing to me because she politely texts him back, "You know we aren't friends, right ?"

So to my male friends who have laughed with me, listened to me cry and wail about failed relationships, fixed something in my home, shared your life stories with me... I thank you, and I love you.

To those men approaching me on the "friendship tip", keep it.... I am only accepting flowers and courtship at this time.

The friendship zone has exceeded its capacity....there is a hiring freeze in that department !