The Couch Chronicles

I absolutely loves...loves...loves my home. The minute I stepped foot in it, I knew this was my abode. I love the space, I love my backyard, I love the light that shines into it and I love the fact that it is an escape from New York. I don't have to worry about parking, though I have not escaped the crackheads. Nevertheless, it works for me.

The first night I stayed in my home by myself, I managed to set the alarm off about three times. One time I set it off while on the phone with my mother and it pretty much scared the shit out of her. She is not too fond of the fact that I live about 30minutes from all of THE GIRLS. Equally, she is not too fond of the fact that I get home pretty late. Anywho, the first night, alarms set off and I promise every nook and cranny in the house shifted. I heard noises I never heard before and it had me straight Mobb Deep Shook.

I ended up getting a roommate, and keeping a roommate for the next 1.5 years after I moved in. Since I have lived here, I have had Cali, Best All Around and Carebear Girl as roommates. With another person here, I was never scared to sleep in my home. I would climb in my bed and rest assured that someone else was here just in case something went down. Now, my house IS in the hood....but ALL of my homes, apartments, condos, dorms have been in the hood. Word to Paddyfoote. I just think that because my home is kinda big, I am a little frightened by being here at night by myself.

Hence the couch chronicles.

My last roommate, Best All Around Girl, moved out about 2 months ago. When I live alone, and no one else is here for the night (i.e. - NGF)I sleep on the couch. I did not notice the trend until about a year or so ago, but it is definitely a trendy habit. I REFUSE to sleep in my bed when no one else is in the home. So, when BOA Girl moved out, I moved downstairs to my couch. My nightly ritual includes coming home, getting into some sweats, getting my blanket and WHAM !! After a little DVR and phone time with NGF, I am knocked out...on the couch !! I refuse to go up to my bed.

There is great rhyme and reason to this. I assume that being in a central location on the first floor will ensure that I can hear anything that happens in the house. If something pops off in the basement I can hear it, and if something pops off upstairs I can hear that as well. At one point in time I was attempting to sleep in my room. I would lock myself in and set the alarm, but that soon wore off.

I had no issues with the couch. I got good relaxing couch time in, and I felt a wee bit safer.

UNTIL....

I was getting ready for work one day and got a pain that shot through the right side of my back something soooooo tough it was a mess. I literally could not function for a cool 30-45 minutes. I couldn't breathe properly, I couldn't bend over and I sho nuff could not place one of the two large bags on my shoulder that I carry to work.

This pain persisted for another three days and I had to call in reinforcement to see if anything was going terribly wrong. Flirty Girl and Chatty Girl, the resident physicians of THE GIRLS to the rescue.

I sent them both an email explaining my symptoms, asking if I should should just ice it down and rest, or if something terribly wrong could be looming. I already attempted to self diagnose via the internet, but if I could avoid the $30 Co-Pay and get the advice of two women I trusted then that would be great as well. $30 is $30...alot of money to me.

Chatty Girl emails me back asking, "are you naseuous ? do you have a hard time urinating ? does it hurt when you urinate ? do you have a headache ? If you have any of these symptoms, you could be passing a kidney stone and/or have a kidney infection..you should definitely go get it checked out."

I mean..this email diagnosis was so serious, I began to question myself. "Well damn..am I nauseous ? I don't remember it hurting when I pee, have I been ignoring that due to the pain ? Aw Lawd...am I passing kidney stones ? Who in the hell does that ? I am too fabulous to be passing stones !!!"

I was literally in a panic of sorts wondering what this ailment could be...

UNTIL... this message from Flirty Girl...

"Heffa, is your ass still sleeping on the couch ? That's your damn problem. Get up and go get in the bed. Ain't nothing wrong with you. Ice it down, take some ibuprofen and get off the damn couch."

Well damn....