Who Am I ?

This week was the week of pure jealousy. I know it (envy) is one of the seven deadly sins, but I can't front. I want my old life back.

I recently started working with a new firm, so my trifling ways are yet to make themselves known until I navigate their culture properly. This firm is working me more than I desire to be worked. I have been sort of boo'd up lately. I refuse to say that I have entirely been boo'd up because that violates G Code. NGFs birthday week was last week, so he got a ton of my time. This weekend my grandfather is in town, so I am entertaining him.

I am exhausted, I need a vacation, and I wonder how in the hell did I get here ?

My little sister is in town today as well. The little heifer didn't tell me she was here until 2:00 am. It appears that she and two of her roommates are traveling to the Dominican Republic this week for their senior year spring break trip. Last I checked she doesn't know what she is doing after she graduates in two months. How in the hell is she vacationing up ? They just came over to my house to visit with me and my grandfather and I have to admit I am jealous.

They are young (21), no responsibilities and are about to be laying out on a beach. I am older, more responsible and would rather spend my money on purchasing a new fence and becoming debt free. How in the hell did I get here ?

It's like my younger, more festive flesh is fighting the more mature and sensible person I am seeking to become. I want to hop on a plane and be out. I want to flirt with dangerous fine men with tattoos....but I can't, because honestly I really don't want to.

The thought and realization that I no longer want to do these things is PISSING ME OFF !!!

While my grandfather and I were at lunch today he noticed that I was looking off into the horizon deep in thought. "What are you thinking about ?" he asks. I told him the truth. My sister is me when I was her age. She is on the go. She is salsa dancing, having cocktails, traveling to exotic places and I feel like that part of my life is over. He quickly reminds me, "Well atleast you have the memories of everything she is about to experience. You have done that. You have traveled overseas, danced on couches, jumped off cliffs in Jamaica. Your grandmother and I weren't able to get up and go until later in our life. You've already done that."

Well, that is true. However, the thought of having to give that up has been pressing on my mind alot lately. I am more concerned about being responsible with my finances, so I choose to invest in that fiscal responsibility. I know dangerous,sexy,exciting men leave me in a whirlwind of "what the fuck just happened". So I am now choosing to be content in a long term healthy relationship. I know my time with my grandfather is limited, so I choose to spend it with him instead of going out of town with some of THE GIRLS.

I know I have over 15 years of memories of Livin La Vida Loca.

But damnit....this new me....ehhhh. I am now PARTY GIRL who is perfectly fine with laying on my couch every night instead of going to fellowship with others. I am PARTY GIRL who is spending consistent time and energy with 1 guy. Do you know the last time I entertained only ONE guy for an entire year ??? ....COLLEGE !!!! Do you know the last time I ever turned down a trip to a tropical locale to spend time with family ?....NEVER !!!

So as I sit on my couch, watching my grandfather click the remote for hours, looking at pics of DADDY'S GIRL, CALI GIRL, JUJU GIRL and KC GIRL's festive and tanned feet on FB from their trip to Acapulco, handing extra shades to my sister for her trip to the DR tomorrow, texting NGF.... I am still plagued with that question.

What the F*&^ is going on ????